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The biggest sucker deal in retail.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hershey's Web of Lies!

  I recently purchased a six-pack of Take5 candy bars. I had heard of them, seen commercials for them, even noticed how hideous the packaging was, and had little interest. Since you are here because you really want to get to know me; you may as well know I am a cheapskate. I might spend liberally if you somehow convince me to take you out, and when it comes to gift-giving circumstances; but as far as things for myself I am a tightwad. As you've gathered by now, the candy in question was on sale. In fact, it was 'close-out' priced, as in; this grocery store can't move them so here they are at a greatly reduced clearance price - please take them off our hands. Chocolate + reduced price = me with chocolate.

  The first reason I didn't run right out and get one after seeing the commercial is the pretzel. I'm not a big fan of the "pretzel as candy" idea in general, and not at all intrigued by the inclusion of other ingredients. [I know there is a fierce ongoing battle over the validity of peanuts and/or peanut butter as candy ingredients, but pretzels are definitely not candy. Chocolate covered or yogurt-like-sludge-paste-coated pretzels are still not candy.] I know, Twix made believers out of many detractors by adding a welcome new texture to the impulse purchase rack. Still...

  Since I had paid for them, I tried one, but not until after taking a look at the thing. The package is bright red, which hasn't really worked out as well for candy bars as the psychiatrists suggest it should. Bright red is a power color, add in a gold foil color for the TAKE and a white 5. It attracts the eye, but would-be buyers are controlling their urges. While looking around online for a picture of the thing, I stumbled across a few reviews. I have to agree with whichever one said it that this thing looks like an energy bar or maybe a low carb bar. That is not a good thing, have you eaten either of those? Anyway, the second thing to notice before opening is the web of lies part I mentioned. Notice the name is "TAKE5", and the whole advertising spiel is about 5 great ingredients in one candy bar, blah, blah. Notice this list: Pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, milk chocolate. Clever listing, but peanuts and peanut butter are one item; it's called chunky peanut butter. However, they do separate the two, the caramel divides them, but still, whooya tryin' ta kid?

  At their website, I found that they have introduced two other versions "based on the success" of the original. ?? I don't know anyone that is eating these things, but somebody must be, they now have a white chocolate (white chocolate really should be outlawed, btw) version and, more from the web of lies, a peanut butter version. Huh? Two of the original's ingredients are chunky peanut butter, what could this one possibly have in it? It is pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and peanut butter candy. Apparently Hershey's is so enthused about the rather lame moniker of "TAKE5" that they are willing to use it on an item with only three ingredients. Hollywood isn't the only industry hooked on sequels. The "peanut butter candy" part is a peanut-flavored-sludge-paste-coating in the place of the original's chocolate. I haven't seen this one offline, I won't be eating one if I do see it. And yes, Take5 is also the name of a boy band, that came up in my search as well. Lol.

  Back to the original, it isn't so bad. Twin packed like 100 Grand and those coconut things, (also not candy, but I can't drift off again right now), the pretzel is okay, but the caramel is a little weak, more of a taste than a caramel chewiness that I would prefer. Perhaps it clashed with the pretzel crunch, which, let's face facts, is only there because they wanted to use a cookie but had to distance this thing from the superior Twix Peanut Butter. The thing actually seems to be an attempt to join both Twix varieties into one bar, without coming out and saying that (or giving Mars Inc. a free idea). They would have come closer to succeeding if they had used chewy caramel, but since I barely noticed the caramel it was like eating a knock-off Twix Peanut Butter. Similar, but not as good. Like the Hilton sisters compared to the Gabor sisters. Sorry I lost you little ones, Google it.

  Hey, it could be worse, I almost blogged about the weather.


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